I was left injured after a boy at school forbade me from the shower gym

Entering the changing room of the son, sweating and steaming, my heart was beating fast.

Of course, I was exhausted from the PE class that I just did, but that was not the real reason I was in battle mode or flight.

Approaching the bathroom, comments from fellow students come like a clock: ‘Don’t let the dent here!’

I was 14 years old at the time and I didn’t even come out as gay or non-biner at that time. But this has a deep effect on me – to the point where I can’t set foot in the gym to more than a decade later.

I have started high school at the age of 13 and with that new cohort boys come in the cliffs of Pubertas. When the hormone flies and we all started our journey to become teenagers, I struggled to make friends. We don’t have the same interest and I will soon be an easy target.

Since then, every PE lesson will be the same. And I am not the only one chosen.

There are two other boys in my class – one who is physically disabled and the other is very shy – which will be told by a group of boys who are popular to change in the corner.

This developed to not allow us to take a shower, especially me. If I even try, they will prepare their towels to pull me.

Not only that sad at the social level, it also prevented me from finding any pleasure in the sport we did. This Ostracization will follow me from the dressing room to the field, where I will be placed in the goal or finally never choose to be part of anyone’s team.

As a result, I am afraid of fitness space or any area where team sports are pushed for years to come. I will actively avoid even going to shops that sell active clothes and I do not go to the gym – eventually impact on the way I see food. Because I became afraid of exercising, I witnessed what I ate closer, so as not to gain weight and keep myself slim and ‘healthy’.

During the pandemic, I found a way to exercise without supervision of potential nuisance candidates – walking or exercising in the park.

When left to my own device and stripped back from the world – I realized that there was excitement and accessibility to exercise. I just have to find it myself and that is the awareness that encourages me to find a fitness community.

Once we can re -migrate safely to the community, I decided to join the 25 – which is a large emporium of the machine and class and key and instructions. Still, I feel I am only allowed to use certain equipment; That the weight area and strength are not for people like me.

I came out as strange and had lived as a non-biner for 10 years so I am not ashamed of my identity, and will go to the gym with painted nails, concealer and mascara.

But the gym is filled with younger men in groups that replicate the energy that I experienced in the dressing room at school. Even though I have no homophobia or direct transphobia, I don’t feel I can freely express myself without fear of crashing into the men in the dressing room.

There is no gender neutral space other than a disabled bathroom, so my anxiety grows bigger with every trip there.

Now aged 28, I am a member of a much smaller gym, more ordered first because I know that I feel comfortable and safe, I like a smaller environment with fewer people, and more help from coaches or coaches.

There is a feeling of collective community that I have never felt before.

There are various ages of men and women of all different body types in the room to be fit, being strong and active – just like me.

Even from the initial tour, I saw a gender neutral facility and emphasis on treating individuals as athletes and fitness lovers rather than just customers.

I felt very welcomed by this gym so I decided to share gender sexuality and identity with the instructors, because they had taken care of the environment where I felt I could bring my whole myself to space.

I sent an email, shared that I was a new member and enjoyed my time there, and that I was also non-biner so I used their ‘pronouns/them’. I want to ask if they can let the coach or teacher whose class I attend.

Scary to hit send in email, but it feels right.

My email was welcomed with a level of respect and gratitude that felt like a turning point in my relationship with fitness. They answered that I was ‘most welcomed’ at the facility and that they would ‘tell the’ so I was ‘comfortable’.

I feel instant relieved.

Now, when I see my partner in the strength class, my identity is not a problem. We were there to focus on our fitness – and that’s all.

But what I like the most, and ultimately respect, is that if there are problems – because homophobia and transphobia are still in the world where we live – that I have allies in the team. For me, it is priceless.

Looking back, I am proud that – Apart from the intimidation and tarnished sports experience that I have as a young man – I can still give myself a gift to explore fitness for myself.

I don’t have that opportunity as a child, but now I can make sure that I give myself the opportunity to find out who I am and what I like in a fitness room without fear.

Do you have the story you want to share? Contact Email James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk.

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